maskofcontent's Blog

It has been over a month since my last entry, amazing. I've all but abandoned EP after finding two good friends. But I, the ever loyal lioness made a major misstep, along with neglecting ep I've also left many potential friends without so much as a goodbye or an occasional message and worst still those that I supported and helped out emotionally were left out to dry. I went off chasing self satisfaction, and however sweet it is, I admit I made a mistake. How I will fix it is another matter. Seems some won't even respond to me anymore and yea they are here, they've been online but I guess naturally there is some resentment from being forgotten about for over a month. This is my fault. I may not get the chance to right it but I'll try. stupid thorn

In other news I am happier than I have ever been. But I depend so much on my friends emotional wise that it is becoming ridiculous. If they were to up and disappear my world would crash, and that is not good. I am smart enough to know friends and friendship is fickle in this world and to have my mood teetering nearly exclusively on them is so unhealthy. I want to say I can't help it, but I know I can, I just struggle to find a balance. They both have their own little traits that are wonderful to say the least.

One friend is much more of a confidant then a friend, but a loyal one nonetheless, the kind you can count on to down some redbulls and stay up with you all night till you're calm, and stable and you wouldn't hear so much as a whimper about him being tired or having a busy day tomm. Yup he is that selfless. Ever supportive. A giver, not a taker and with an added bonus that he can entertain the darker side of my mind also. He's just that guy....will forsake all until you feel better.

The other definitely deserves his own paragraph but I'll make it concise. He feeds my self esteem, makes me smile. I cannot talk to him, read his email etc etc without smiling. Even on his worst days he has such an endearing effect that just sucks you in and softens even the coldest of hearts (mine) haha. One of those people you just cannot hate ever, it is fucking impossible. I could pretend to be mad or offended or upset all I wanted but I know my scowl would have a 5 second self destruct sequence before a smile broke out So I'd have to get away quickly. He is so rejuvenating to my soul. He isn't one of those shallow people that just toss out compliments randomly with little thought behind them trying to win favor either. Gentlemanly guy that makes you say hell I don't deserve a friend like this. Just the type of person that if they ever needed help you would be there in a heartbeat offering even your life if it was necessary. Feeling a bond with someone is amazing in itself, but having the bond confirmed and returned by the other party is the epitome of joy and satisfaction and I have that with him. and that concludes the summary of my two friends.

Last but not the least FRUSTRATING. Rubix, gah. I feel personally that one word is self descriptive enough to save me a paragraph but being that this is blog and no one can auto-fucking-matically know what I am thinking I shall bitch and moan properly. Everyone that I even explain it all to always responds why do I feel such a need to befriend, why don't i just give up. Dammit I just don't know. I think hes intriguing, I don't like him in the attraction sense, despite some good advice he has done nothing worthy of my relentless drive to befriend, he just is unique and mysterious and really intelligent and has some of the best writing expression skills I have ever seen so much so that I admire him greatly. But trying to befriend this fucker is like insane and yet I won't give in. It is so easy when someone is mean, rude, condescending, has warped values, or just plain does not want to be friendly. Or when someone says hey I do not want to be your friend. I can walk away fine and in peace and be okay. rejection is common to me...but rubix just isn't like that and won't say that so I'm permanently stuck on this futile quest that drives me crazy. You just have to know this guy to understand, his responses come off as nearly preprogrammed and frustratingly robotic some days and then on others he is completely insightful and so refreshing and btw he is yet another guy you just cannot hate. I will be so frustrated after a failed attempt but it doesn't last long. This is exactly why I call him Rubix, as in rubix cube. It isn't the orginal reason i called him such but that is the reason now because he is so annoyingly difficult to work with. He always insists the door is wide open, he isn't closed off, and I am free to enter if I choose but I see a hallway the length of a football field, full of booby traps before I can even get to that door. I don't even get close, and he responds with a shrug. I don't know why I keep punishing myself in this endless loop but I think I'd sit up and beg proper just to be counted among his friends. I don't the need the secrets, the phone calls, etc I just want to be a normal friend, unfortunately an impossibility that drives me insane. Both stressful and spectacular ...Rubix I tip my hat to you for having so much power over me for no definable reason. I shall not give up.

Ahhh good I got that all out. I have no idea why I awoke at 5am today with an urge to write but I did and there it is. Peace  The Lioness leaves...

So while I was walking around till 2am hoping for some distraction from my depression, my brain was totally shut down. I was aware of my surroundings, something necessary in this bitter world, but other than that just inside my head. Randomly choosing where to turn, as if my legs just walked on with their own idea of where my destination was. I kinda kept hoping for a bit of excitement, something to happen, or even someone to help, or save, something to renew faith in myself and remind me that I am still alive and useful. I feel akin to a crusader, who after years of fighting, really doesn't feel purpose anymore. Just going along with the flow because it has been what I've done for longer than I care to remember. What do I want? What is attainable? I can't help but think life was simpler back when a guard made your decisions for you, when you eat, sleep, wash and piss, w.e. No thought was required. Granted I wanted freedom then just like any other sane person but, being "free" to do what one wants isn't really all its cracked up to be. Job and responsibilities rule the day. Being friendless is no help at all. Nor is the fact that life is just a series of choices any help either. Once you slack off, wince from the incoming slap and the slap does not come, it gets easier everytime to be caught up in the loop. Having the choice to make no choice, worst thing ever.

First...after yet another occasion of which the police made everyone in the neighborhood come to the door and stand there while he informed us of a brand new "rehabilitated" sex offender moving next to us, gave us the pic, address, and crimes commited. I just wonder what everyone thinks. I wonder how many times this is gonna happen in a year I mean sheesh I think 50% of the neighborhood are rapists, molesters, etc. I wonder if anyone gets that torch and pitchfork mentality. I also don't think cops count very well as far as distance goes since there is a school not even 5 blocks from here. I wonder how many in the neighborhood are the Everyone deserves a second chance type and how many are the oh god the world is going to hell, lock them up forever type. I don't even know where I stand, They disgust me, I was raped, molested at a way way young age, but I don't know if I believe in rehabilitation and reinsertion into society, or if they should live in some special place cordoned off for them. I know from personal experience no abuser that was truly rehabilitated, not even my own abuser...they passed the shrink tests, punishments w/e and ta da...back doing the same old same old as if it all never happened. I have little faith in the change, cops are so quick to say they are rehabilitated and deemed safe, etc etc I just dunno. I wonder what the world thinks.

I just get so frustrated feeling like im talking to a wall sometimes. I know the reasons I know. Busy, not close to me yet etc etc. I get it and I don't get frustrated AT him for it. Just get frustrated at the feeling. All the reasons in the world don't make the feeling stop. I feel like I might as well just keep typing hey my favorite color is red over and over and over again considering the responses I get. Kinda sucks when you say shit that really means something to you, personal shit and well, you get little more than acknowledgement that they saw it. Thats just so frustrating Im just gonna back off, just leave him alone till I know it won't be like that. Better than pulling my hair out. Such a waste. I don't want anything unnatural, words provided just for the sake of my needing them, Ill just wait it out and see what happens. Bummed but I'm a survivor. Being that I like him though this will be one hell of a test of willpower...don't press the little red button...

Man I still need to vent omg. Its been a long time since I let shit stew and brew. I'm just gonna flip the pot over and let it all run somewhere cause I can't vent it out and if I keep it I'm setting myself up for a moody failure. The problem is making sure its really tipped into the river and my mind isn't sneaking off some leftovers in tupperware for later. Such is the delimma. To know I was a passive aggressive person once upon a time, I just can't allow to slip into that tired old loop again. Vent or forget, there is no saving. 3 days looking for an appropriate caring individual to hear my BS is time long enough.

A few Q&As, a chat with a friend about nice guys vs assholes, and a few other recent conversations has sparked in me a need to revisit what it is I really want in a guy. The trouble with that is where do you start? what is a definite need, or what is a total deal killer? lol  Life is so unecessarily complex it cracks me up every time. So, well I don't know. preferences never really cancel out the other options do they? For instance I'd really like a gentlemanly type but say he wasn't really the door holding type, that wouldn't be a deal breaker. I love white guys, always, but I imagine I'd be open to any race given all else was in order. I really really do crave the need to feel protected. Really, all my life been the fist fighting, defender for any and all who crossed my path. I got the tough exterior, and well I want a guy who I could shed it for. I want to for once in my life be able to feel vulnerable, it sounds silly but thats what I want...to be vulnerable and still know Im safe. Want the stand up for you type guy, whether I could beat the shit outta the person in question or not. I'd feel great just knowing he was there and prepared to do it for me. I want the care and the protectiveness, I crave it. Its lonely being the knight all the time. Just want a guy I can lean on. I don't want the super tough pants round the knees thug, or someone who picks fights just to demonstrate their prowess, no. A true nice guy with a protective nature. Not overboard...there is a big difference between baby its not safe I don't want you to go alone, and You are not going. There has to be that...feeling but minus the control. I feel thats what I need and want the most, even the best soldiers need to rest sometimes. Hmm more wants, yes the beard...not a dealbreaker but damn very near. Sense of humor...dealbreaker if he doesn't have because well damn thats me in a nutshell, I am a joker nonstop, sarcasm, jokes, feigned insults you name it. I don't even know why people list things like honesty and respect and etc when they list things they want in a guy...sorry but those should be givens, already in your personality. Well the list could go on and on but Ill end it with thi next very important one. I need emotional reassurance, I do, I'm not psycho insecure or anything but I crave it desperately. I need the "it will all be okay"s the "I'm here"s and the "I'd never hurt you"s...I need them. Rubix tells me there is no surietys except death, and by golly he is right 100%, but the words can do so much. Words are more powerful than anything and the reassurance would feel great.


Final thought of the day so far isssssssssss what book to read next. So I bought illiad and oddessy and for some reason, they just didn't click and suck me in....so epic FAIL and I need some others. I reread lysistrata the play and well that just made my day..yes its a play but if you love the dirty humor and outlandish comedy of classic greece than it is awesome. Aristophanes was the shit. I could read it every day. But seriously...need a fucking book, any of you readers out there shit...leave me a book title in the comments if you wanna. yea yea yea

Well cancel my wonderful feelings of this afternoon. I got about 15 minutes out of that and then bang, it was like 5 auto-pitchers fired baseballs at my head in unison. I scrambled and fumbled around tryin to solve these peoples problems or atleast help them cope and mine seemed to resurface along the way...problems just popping up on the river floating next to me smoking a bogie like "sup bitch...long time no see". I can't vent in detail, I need to vent to a person, trouble is, caring people are in short supply. I listen to your depression about everything from being cut in front of in the grocery store line, to deaths of family, suicidal feelings, venting, lonliness, tears, fears, you name it, but as soon as I open my mouth whoosh, everyones busy, they gotta go. Hell I'm not picky or needy...some of these people are like, I need to be able to reach you all night and day, please please text my phone all hours of the night, etc etc, guess what I need....5 mins. I don't want or need to bitch your ear off for hours, I just need 5 minutes but no...far too much to ask.

It gets to the point where I just wanna hang a sign that says "OFF DUTY- Cut, Hang, Cry or Die to your hearts content..I Don't give a shit. But no, never that. I listen to every single word, I sit there and work with them step by step through break downs and panic attacks and bad days...I don;t want a trophy but I sure would love to have the favor returned for my 5 mins of bitching on the rare occasions I need to. I needed to rant then. I slowly weeded through everyone, some had no time...you know after the 2 hours they spent whining and crying it was IMPERATIVE that they leave just then. Others had a more subtle way of telling me to fuck off. The...Well I'll try and listen but im really really having a bad day right now and I need.....maybe you missed that :"I'm having" and "I need". I have one foot in the grave but you have two so you first...gotcha.

yea so much it passed like that then I got to Mr Rubix, my last resort, I hate hate hate bitching to him because of all people he doesn't need anymore shit, and I wanna be his friend not someone else throwing another cinderblock on his shoulders. He's a helper of souls like me, only hes better. But as a last resort knowing he wouldn't let me down I caved...testing the waters with a general overview before going full rant and guess what....got let down. Just zoned out on me, dealing with his stuff. I understand it, I don't blame him but, In that moment I felt just pure rage and betrayal...played it off but was boiling atleast for a few mins as im sure he could tell.aj The stark realization that I'm not meant to vent to a living person today hit me like a ton of bricks and I crumbled stuffing all the darkness inside where it burns even now. All take and no give. Just wanna scream AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

My mood: extremely pissed

Returned to the acceptable comfort of contentedness today. I'm feeling quite cheerful, head held high all day, lots of energy, breezed through work without feeling sorry for myself or dwelling on the depressing things of my life. I just enjoyed life for life, ignored feelings of being less than others, or having less than others, being lonely and friendless, my past,and my wants. Didn't waste any money on mindless distractions from my depression like movie theater tickets or video games, nothing because I didn't need to, I'm good. I just wonder why I stop, sometimes I just really need people, want to be cared about, have someone to talk to, to be loved etc etc and my parade of illusions falls apart and I go to depression again. The most recent time being which that I found ep.

Now a couple weeks later after finding ep I've snapped back into my true content, nearly half happy state of pretending I don't need anything. Its sad that it makes a huge difference in my life, even my boss noticed today like holy shit you did more than anyone and I did. Fast, driven as long as I have a purpose. In this state I live purpose to purpose, whether it be completing a day's work or fixing dinner, shopping, paying bills, whatever no matter how small just purpose. If I play games its purely for fun, not distraction. I smile for the sake of smiling. Much more polite, weird just a whole transformation that goes on, dissolving slowly piece by piece until another crash. I just don't know if its terrible or necessary, I posted a question specifically for opinions on that. Gone are the days of stuffing emotions that explode into anger later, so it isn't a lying to self type thing, in fact I just don't hold onto anything at all during this phase. I get fleeting thoughts and suspicions when people say hi to me for no reason, I smile and say hi back of course, and I think hmm wonder why they'd bother, I'm me after all. Those fade, unlike how I dwell on them in a depressive state. I just lean toward the idea that it isn't healthy at all, but look at the alternative and then I'm confused.

I wonder if I had a friend or had a purpose or felt cared about, would I finally reach my middle ground. Would I take the positive bests of both thoses extreme opposite worlds and be a whole new person. Everyone is quick to say no one can fix you but you, and yes that is true to the fullest. I don't mean a friend would suddenly end my yo-yoing between stability and futility but the support would do wonders for sure. I'm not needy or clingy. The unspoken feeling, or spoken reassurance that my existence has value to someone, that I'm cared about, that If I just disappeared or never called, someone would be worried enough to notice, would most probably rejuvenate my soul. Sadly (or gladly?) I can exist without that peace and at the same time, avoid turning to drugs, heavy drinking or thinking of suicide or other common "escapes" of the depressed world. I have enough control to flick a switch and say im good, got nothing, getting nothing, let me just live and be somewhat happy...what the hell should I do? What is right? Everything needs a balance, so do I.

Seems I've reached the end of this string of feel good or truly content days. Back to my well known companion called loneliness, and by tommorow probably depression. Well maybe I best not venture straight into naming it depression, lets just see what happens, must affect quality of life to be distinguished from normal sadness..ha. Work was so annoying. I don't know why we hire people who don't know any english. Every 5 mins someone is dragging a confused customer to me saying "you come" and pointing them towards me because they can't answer a damn question. What is the purpose??? This is america, bilingual awesome, but when you only know spanish and make zero effort to learn english and I have to put up with it, well it pisses me off. Everyday same old deal. Almost as annoying as the 30+ illiterate people who make me stand there and read every birthday card to them till they find something that sounds nice, or the poor old ladies who ask me to stand there as they pull 20 different loofahs out and ask is each one more or less fluffy than the last. I'm nice, and pleasant, I always help with a smile. But as for my coworkers I get frustrated at the inability to communicate. I get tired of sentences strung together like a 4 yr old and not being able to understand anything they want. I got a job to do just like everyone else. Then I have coworker who is actually the nicest of the bunch, oldhead with an affinity for cussing,a love for my fuck you genre of humor. a hard worker and total gentlemen whose favorite phrase to me is..I don;t care what they say about you kid, you are alright in my book. Somehow if thats supposed to make me happy, oddly it doesn't. That just says your nice but the rest are a bunch of back stabbing shit talking assholes. Oh the joy....but that is life..moving on. Gotta love how boss refuses are annual pay raise twice in a row lmao..

Next set of frustrations isssss well I feel crappy and lonely, I actually wanna just disa-fucking-pear for a week or something see if anyone even notices or cares. I can't though. Ep does provide me with some needed interaction. but it does suck to wonder if you are even needed or cared about. Thought I'd get some feedback by joining the poetry experience group, which would propel me to rediscover my poetry writing and yet I feel like damn no one gave a fuck. 20 something views and not a single comment, though they commented the ones before my submission and after so wow I either suck or, they have one of those tight knit communities lol. I'll just bet I suck. I can't sleep right, always end up till 3am and shit then sleep till6 or 7, then on ep till god knows when mentally begging for some attention. And yes I say mentally as I dont go around adding random people and asking for friendship lol. Usually browse for things that are hilarious or thought provoking, then find a few people in need, offer my ear and put true friendship on the table as an option...lets just say ear is out of stock and friendships overflowing the back room. Bittersweet, atleast I do get to help some people.

I feel like picking up a bad habit just to have something to do, but I dont smoke, drink or do drugs so..ha. A hobby yes, i need one, wanna try woodworking so bad just need the drive to go out and buy the tools and a starters kit. Im glum, I know it will be one hell of a long night. Saw the new movie centurion, on demand, got my blood, gore and  violence fix so Im feeling a bit fiesty and ready for war. Thank god my usual, annoying physical need is at bay due to my bad mood though it helps push  me the rest of the way to slumber as long as im atleast half sleepy already. Long time from now. I dunno, ran out of shit to complain about so in closing I say...Im alive...grateful for that

Feeling numb today. I walked 5 miles out of pure boredom. Nothing and no one was exciting out there. A few friendly strangers who said hello, and a handful of the typical dirty looks, jeers, and loud talking about me intentionally to make me react. Little do they know they are lucky I have the self control I do now, if I didn't I would definitely give them a reason to talk. The crying just get worse, I'll say again, I'm not moping and depressed all the time when it happens, I will be perfectly fine, and just tear up. Today I was reading some kind words I got in a message, really comforting, and not the usual knee-jerk "I hope you feel better" stuff that flows so often from ep members mouths, a real genuine caring message, and yep, cried. I swear I could snap my fingers and cry these days. Just these past 2 weeks I can't shake it. I am not a crier, I pride myself on being emotionally strong, but now its just drop after drop and over nothing. I hate it. It undermines my very being. I'll end the rant on that though. 

I need a hobby, something to take my mind off of all of this melancholy nonsense. Need not to overwhelm myself trying to help everyone nonstop, I really must set limits.Need a friend. Need..heh well, being horny all the time sucks to be blunt, thought this crap wasn't supposed to torment girls till early 40s, it sure as heck bothers the hell outta me 24/7 So i can only assume scientists are stupid and wrong because I suffer every day.I'm just viewing the world with a blank stare right now. No smile or frown, just numb, as if im God watching from a distance. I feel empty, lifeless. Just existing. Floating around, waiting to get sucked in by any idea or momentary distraction. I don't know....ran out of things to say, its so much easier when I feel something..I feel nothing now, only the dullness of my needs unfufilled.

God, these past 2 weeks have officially been the most tearful I've had in over 4 years. They just keep flowing, every time I turn around. Emotional overflow. I'd do anything for a hug right now. I;m doing my very best to help everyone I can and I feel like it pushes my problems to the back burner. It is fine, I am selfless most times. Worse than that is sometimes I just don't know what to say or do to help someone. I am not God or some super fix it lady. I'm at the mercy of my own problems just like everyone else, if i had some secret solve all button hell I'd have used it on myself long ago/ Just an endless supply of people in need and I'm doing all I can. I offer a non-discriminatory hand to all the suicidal, depressed, abused, lonely, or otherwise troubled souls that welcome a friend and a chance to share their story. But at my expense.

I think I've got the crying thing figured out. I realize I still need a soul to share with that is more than just an ear, still need a real good friend. Its just all so warped, I've had people cry just to keep me as their ear so to speak, to be there for them like I always was, but thats just it..to be there for THEM...what about me? My pain and troubles are so overshadowed by theirs, compared to them mine don't really matter...its always oh okay but....I'm not the type to just say middle finger to the world peace Ill go my own way. No, I help for the sake of helping, and the hope that someday in return Ill get the friend I need. The tears are my last defense in releasing the pressure I suppose. All my previous releases have ended, reading, poetry, venting logs etc. I don't even consider back to my pre-stability days of years long past. No, I've learned much sense then and will never lower myself to that level. My tears are the whistle of a tea kettle...saying hey girl, you need some release, boiling.

Thats really the only way I can explain it, its not like I was sitting there moping oh god lifes so horrible and then tears poured...no, Just happening anytime, whether Im helping somebody, or just anything. My eyes get cloudy and they pour. Like I said, if I had a hug now, just someone telling me everything will be okay and hugging me, I mean really hugging in that unfakeable caring fashion, I'd feel so good. I gotta heed the whistle. I need something, and I pray Ill find it soon. I  no longer backlash out at others these days and Im afraid the opposite may come if I don't figure out something and get a handle on it. I keep reaching....groping in the darkness.

Just need a miracle lol. I could really do with a knight in shining armor right now but not in the common sense of the phrase. I need the care, not the love. Though I really should stop lying to myself. I do need, want, and crave love I just well...lie to myself. It is the one thing I lie to myself about, Just making myself feel better by convincing myself I do not want or need love.like a damned fool. I do, I dream of it, of the sweet wonder of actually being loved, accepted and cared about, having someone just there for me, me first, damn the whole world. I see all these people here who have had love, then it all fell apart for god knows what reason and left them a mess, a fraction of their former self. Little do they know I would kill to trade, just to have felt it, damn the fact its gone now, just the fact I know the feeling would be enough. I believe in that stupid phrase better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But yet I sit and assume the role of stalwart warrior who needs no one, I am the tower, I need friends but no love, no affection...its all a lie, one big lie.

Crazy emotions the past 24 hours, cried 3 times for different reasons, laughed tons and have been really feeling good as I've felt in a while. Got that terrible pure fear based stomach clenching feeling and oh god I hate it, but it hasn't damnpened my spirits. I'm glad for EP, really truly glad.

The great unidentifiable friendly obect known only in  my mind as Mr. Rubix  is just, great. I like and find him unbelievably fascinating, almost like a child's beloved hobby. I feel like a kid in a candy store sometimes If I can manage having a two-way conversation with him which proves hard most times. just a light breeze through my soul. One of those people you wonder, if you ever just stopped talking to them, would they seek you out and say hello and how are you or would you just fade into the distance, but fearing the answer you just initiate your brains out lol. I feared loss of his, friendship (I should say tolerance) last night but safely made it through barely scathed. I hate screwing up I really do. I'm glad hes a communicater though. So many get bothered by something and NEVER SAY ANYTHING. and thats just terrible, I cannot learn if I don't know, I can't avoid it happening again, I am not a mind reader. I prefer immediate notice of what it was that bothered you when it idid. Unfortunately that rarely happens with anyone, usually slips out a bit later and that fine too, just as long as its said.

As for the tears, meh I don't feel like elaborating on them at the moment, All 3 were from men, yes those foul ungodly creatures lol, nah, just thought it was weird, 3 sets of tears, from 3 different men. None were hurting me or whatever, my feelings just get the best of me.

Anyways I feel like im in a refreshing new era at the moment, I feel good. It may not last long but I feel good, this morning I didn't but it is NOW and NOW is all that matters.

My mood: pretty confident

Lonliness and being alone go hand in hand most times. I feel like a lone wolf, starving and in search of food. food being equivalent to friends. Wandering aimlessly, would gladly settle for omega status in exchange for a meal. I kill a few rabbits every now and then but how long do those last? a day then hunger returns. a hello, or a moment to share thoughts, then poof, they are gone. I need an elk, but fat chance less it walks right into my jaws. sigh...it sucks to live off rodents but i do what i must.

Hate my emotions sometimes, I'm fine but the tears pour and say i'm not. Sad tears that make my eyelids droop.A reminder that the feeling of contentedness that I welcome so eagerly as a break from the hollowed depressve feeling, is fleeting. To be content is joy to me, true joy i've encountered too few times and so i strive to feel, 'okay'. Today i thought i was okay but my tears say hell no. I don't restrain them, they are free but the contradiction makes me feel like im lying to myself..and im not.

When you have something you want to say but don't say it. When your evil mind reminds you that you are an utterly honest person with no shame so if someone asks, you'll tell. While my brain toys with my emotions and the what ifs, I take comfort in the fact no one gives a crap about me so who'd ask. Mentally i'm a prime candidate for confessions but still...the idea tickles me to indecisiveness. Oh the things I could tell.....

Met an amazing EP'r today. Definitely ranks high among the interesting people I've encounted throughout life. I felt like I'd love to siphon all the intelligence and mystery out of him so i'd never lose it. It sounds stupid but that is the best way to explain. just a battle between admiration, attraction and mild envy. I smile wondering which will win, for now my mind is very pleased with the discovery of this awesome character in this book called life.

weird day, kept daydreaming as if i was someone else, playing out in my mind all the good times i was having. i both love and hate when i do that. sometimei get caught so far into it im grinning ear to ear and someone notices and inquires about it and it embarasses me and draws me back to reality...the grimness that yes...im still me. outcasted friendless me, fat worthless me. sigh. everythings a blur, god i just want a friend

Today at this moment is the best I've felt in a month. Getting my life story off my chest and out there to the world felt so relieving. my favorite distraction is here now too. NFL season, and oh I live for it. I'm just glad I made the big splash. I really wish I had a friend though. Its not as easy as some people make it. Its tough being in this world and lonely. Ill make it...but I don't just wanna make it and survive, I'd really like to be happy